the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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