my vag is so smooth its legendary
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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