is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize