That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
