can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
