i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
