She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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