I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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