I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
