im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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