What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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