i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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