Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
