I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I puked a lego.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
