1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
