i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
