It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
