Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
