I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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