By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
