if you like me you must not know who I am
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize