Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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