yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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