"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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