fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
