I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
