You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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