we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize