ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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