I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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