Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
