I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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