she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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