Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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