just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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