He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
foreskin is a definite game changer
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
