the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize