I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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