That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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