made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize