if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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