Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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