Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
