i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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