I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
