she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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