I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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