They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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