Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
