I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
