u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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