exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
