If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
