dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
