i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize