I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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