there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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