Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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