that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
