Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i drank out of a bidet.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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