Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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