in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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